They begin with flummoxed hearthside blouse-unbuttoning, followed by an abrupt shark-faced makeout. I’m anxious about how Brienne’s wide-eyed awkwardness might interact with Jaime’s hard-won personal decency. He seems curious about this virginity situation I’m afraid to watch. Speaking of which, Jaime knocks on Brienne’s door. Knightley-and there’s a lot of valor between them.) Still, age-wise, they’re less creepy than, say, Emma Woodhouse and Mr. (In Seasons 1 and 2, they’re awfully cute together, despite the fact that she looks about eight. Gendry looks sad, I look sad, and Arya keeps shooting her arrows. She is affectionate, but says, “ That’s not me.” Respect, Arya, but oof! Just figure out something unconventional, you guys. He kisses her, kneels, declares his love, proposes. “I’m not Gendry Rivers anymore,” he says. Gendry finally finds Arya, who’s practicing her archery-“I am celebrating!”-and tells her his news. Few women would serenely credit their personal growth to a manipulative whoremonger and a sadistic rapist I might have written the line differently-and, while I’m revising, all that rape. “Without Littlefinger and Ramsay and the rest, I would have stayed a Little Bird all my life,” she says. He tells her that he could have saved her from Ramsay and Littlefinger if she’d left King’s Landing with him. Sansa approaches the Hound for a chat she’s been sharing meaningful moments with weathered old souls in each episode. But, as in John Hughes movies, the lovable sidekicks (Pod, Tormund, and, nearly, the Hound) pair off with various deus ex sexinas. She leaves, and Jaime follows Tormund is randily heartbroken. Tyrion’s drinking game-a proto-“I Never”-returns, swiftly revealing that Brienne is a virgin. Thankfully, Varys peers at her suspiciously. Mind-bending music plays, implying that she’s freaking out that these happy fools won’t bend the knee, and, possibly, that she wants to murder everybody. “If this isn’t the time to drink, when is?” Bran is partying Bran-style, by quietly sitting away from the crowd, saying things like “I don’t really want anymore.” Dany makes a toast to “Arya Stark, the hero of Winterfell!”-it’s about damn time! Tormund, after insisting that vomiting is celebrating, drunkenly praises Jon while sloshing a wine-filled ram horn, and Dany watches with jealousy. “We fought dead things and lived to talk about it,” Jaime says, using the oldest line in the book. I may see about ordering an onion-sigil flag.)Įlsewhere in the hall, Brienne puts her hand over her goblet-none for me, thanks-and Jaime removes it. Bastard no more! Davos Seaworth yells, “To Lord Gendry Baratheon, of Storm’s End!” (Later, he grouses amusingly to Tyrion about the mysterious Lord of Light: “We fight his war and win, and then he fucks off.” What did he want? I love Davos. As he walks by, Dany announces his parentage-with a vaguely threatening How dare you be the son of Robert Baratheon? vibe-and then makes him the lord of the Baratheon stronghold. But she makes a scene in the mead hall, where the celebrations have begun, and where Gendry is looking around for his boo. The conflagration is gigundo to her credit, Dany does not show off by wading into it and surviving. Jon bellows a eulogy torches in hand, he and Dany share a look that says, Look, our relationship is fucked, but right now we’ve got some pyres to light.
Tell the old gods and the new that I’d like to register some complaints.Īs the episode begins, Winterfell mourns the fallen, especially the Mormonts, Beric Dondarrion, and Archie Andrews-forgive me, that’s Theon, looking very “Riverdale” in death. Instead, it began funereally, then segued to revelry, then to fireside unbuttoning, and ended not only with horror but with broken hearts across the realm. I’d hoped that the episode after “ The Battle of Winterfell” and its shattering of zombies would begin with “ Ding, Dong, the Witch Is Dead” joy. Oh, “ Game of Thrones,” you charming sadist.
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